Grocer Jacks Life Cast


A little site to keep tracks of the cast of my life. Some of these people are still there, others have been and gone, some will soon go.

My Family

Hellsbells - My wife, now aged 55, Mad as a March Hare. Heiress to The Coven. Works too hard. Plays too hard. Far too generous with our money by half. 

Dingbat formerly Daisy formerly Alice - Nicknamed after the verger in Vicar of Dibley at one stage but moved to become Daisy from Not Going Out. Now usually just plain Dingbat mainly because of her ability to ask daft questions unrelated to anything in particular. Lovely but maybe the full ticket is a work in progress. Now living in her own home which makes me both happy and sad. Proud mother to my 2 lovely granddaughters

Pie or Goose - my having gained her MSc.  Now starting to win debates....and still an expert in playing the 'poor student' card!

Chunk - Dingbats husband! He's a big bastard. Must have the patience of a saint to live with Dingbat. He seems to know everybody. Or everybody knows him. 

Skank - middle brother, now 52, single again, trying to do everything right and has ditched th idea of working for a living. Left BA and now lives in semi-retirement having had a right result with his pension. Spends all his time brewing and drinking proper beer and somehow has ended up with a lovely intelligent girlfriend. Fuck knows how....

Dave - Re-united at Skanks wedding. A few pounds heavier (who isn't) and in tow with an obviously patient/mad girlfriend. Highly unreliable like a Morris Marina.

BigSykes - my brother in law, married to....

LittleSis - the youngest of the sisterhood and the weediest of The Coven despite the hard appearance. Ever so slightly psychotic, which is scary. 

SmallSykes - another brother in law and former near total recluse like Howard Hughes minus the money. Now liberated thanks to some medical treatment which has eased the reason for his reclusive mature. Gives as much stick as he gets. Which is lots. Married to......

MiddleSis - the middle of the trio of sisters and the Hardest of The Coven despite the soft appearance. Unbelievably patient. Cannot drink but when she does, the 'head on a stick' conversion is instant. No one knows, not least her how much alcohol this takes. 

Grand Master - the father of The Coven and husband to the Coven High Priestess. becoming brilliantly cantankerous and yet a sage old bugger. 

Audrey Roberts - nee Medusa, nee Raptor, no longer becoming Camilla, The Coven's High Priestess. To be admired for her fearless attempts to use technology. Can silence every one of her daughters with one look. 


The Boys - sons of MiddleSis, two non identical twins loafing their way through life as the late teens do. The third and youngest one is now a surly teen so...err...business as usual. 

Owl Killer - daughter of LittleSis. A weird name this because she doesn't kill owl's, but spent some time at a local petting zoo and doing an animal course at college where it appears they feed live things to owls. It just seemed to fit at the time. 


My Friends and other animals........

Mr Chelsea - my friend from the pub who supports the same team as me, unfortunately he doesn't realise this....his wife however.....

Mrs Chelsea - does realise this. Spends a lot of time time tutting at us :-)

Really, that's it........no-one else apart from some friends from France, who'll remain anonymous for now come close to being in this category.


My Fellow Inmates and The Screws


Things have changed beyond recognition in the faceless and increasingly W1A like organisation I work for. Every day introduces me to a new fuckwit hipster type who can barely speak a sentence without ' Yah' or ' like that's so cool' in it.

The Fuckwit Party - to be completed.....

The Ministry of Crap Design - a secretive civil service department, more secretive than MI5/6, with a mission statement to fuck our lives up by ensuring nothing EVER does what it says on the tin!

Chelsea FC - The love of my life. No matter how cruel to me they are.

The AirwayMen - a collective term for the bunch of thieves, robbers, charlatans and bastards that we know as The Airlines! Have a bigger right to legally rob us than the Inland Revenue!

W1A - the mega-corporation I work for. Becomes more Americanised and full of hipster fuckwittery day by day. Named after the brilliant comedy parody of the BBC which no doubt applies to many corporations these days.  :-(

Cuntleyshire - the only county in a little known country of Cuntland occupying Planet Cunt. Housing all of the worlds utter cunts such as Arsenal FC, Arsene Wenger, Liverpool FC and its vile fans, my former boss hereby referred to as DH Cunt (I know who he is), Rafa Benitez (wherever he coaches), dustbin men, car park attendants, London Underground, the Train Operating companies, National Rail, any Local Authority, Microsoft, Museum Curators, SKY TV, lawyers, Bob Crow (deceased), ITV, The Daily Mail, Richard 'Dirty' Desmond, Katie 'Cuntbrain' Hopkins, Peter Hitchens, Rupert Murdoch, Michael Gove, Ian Duncan-Smith, UKIP in its entirety, Nigel Farage, Boris fucking Johnson.

The GoGB - The Guild of Grumpy Blokes - entry rules posted on an early blog - I am the founder and President for life.


Later Mugs, GJ

Liberation ™ Principles

The following is the core values, beliefs and manifesto for the Grocerjack Liberation Party.

Energy:

Gas, Electricity production and supply will be nationalised and subsidised. Coal production and supply will re-start with old mines re-opening where feasible or brand new mines being commissioned. All funded by the government. A programme of Nuclear Power stations will resume, funded by the government and then run as a state run concern as a public service. Off-shore and on-shore wind farms will be built, and investment in tidal power will feature. The aim would be for 80% self sufficiency within 10 years. We will invest in new technologies to remove our dependence on Middle East oil. They can then argue amongst themselves.

Water: Supply and sewage will be re-nationalised. Investment will come from Government and the users. De-salination plants will be built to supply “grey” water suitable for washing, bathing and the garden etc. Every home to have grey water supply within 10 years. 

Politics: Once things have settled a democracy will return on a PR basis, but not until such time that we are happy that our plans are accepted and in place or making good progress. The Monarchy will be abolished but in a non-violent manner. We’ll retire them quietly to live peaceful non interfering lives. The second house in the re-instated PR democracy will be fully elected.

Tax and benefits: Income Tax will be increased to 6 bands with Band 1 being the lowest at 10% and Band 6 being the highest at 60%. Council tax will be abolished and replaced by a local sales tax. Eventually all income tax will be replaced with a sales tax at the point of sale payable by anybody, even visitors with the tax being linked to the value of the item being bought. Internet sales including those based outside of the UK will be taxed at the point of the transaction against the card/account being used. No-one will avoid tax as we will close every loophole possible. No longer will self employed people or small businesses boast about how little tax they pay!

Inheritance Tax will be raised to £1.5 million and reviewed annually.

Road Tax will be abolished and added to car insurance and will be linked to the insurance group and consumption figures of the cars. The dearer the car, the more fuel it burns, the more you pay. The certificate of insurance MUST be displayed at all times. Failure to display will command a £1500 fine.

Savings will no longer be taxed unless they come to over £5 million. Tax payable on Share schemes will be relaxed to encourage their use, and the CGT limit will increase to £50,000 per person, reviewed annually.

Redundancy payments will no longer be taxed, unless they are deemed “golden handshakes” and are greater than £1 million. We take the view that losing your job is bad enough without us taking a cut.

Pensions will not be taxed. You worked for it, so keep it. State pensions will increase annually – figures to be set, but single people will get the same as a married, or co-habiting couple. These will be reviewed annually and will increase in line with inflation at the minimum. Any full time employee will be encouraged to pay additional contributions to their State pension to increase its value later.

If you’re out of work through disability then fine, we’ll make sure you don’t go cold or hungry. But if you’re refusing work because you don’t like it or can’t be bothered then all benefits will cease within 3 months.

Child benefit will only be payable to those on less than £50,000 annual gross income.

Our overarching principle is to look after those that can’t, not those that won’t.

Transport: Incentives will be given to employers to make greater use of the Internet for home working. Employees will not pay any taxes on data volumes or broadband links.

Motorways will be chargeable as in France, with the “toll” being paid to the Government. Foreign lorries will pay an additional toll according in order to level the playing field with British lorries.

Lorries will be banned during peak hours on major roads and will be banned from using minor roads and villages as rat runs. Cycle paths will be added to every road in the country. The minimum age for driving a car will rise to 21. Prior to that the only motorised forms of transport will be….

16 – a moped up to 50cc , governed to 30mph. 17 – a scooter or motorbike up to 125cc and governed to 50mph. 18 – a scooter or motorcycle up to 250cc and governed to 70mph. 19-21 – unrestricted motorcycle or scooter. That way anyone using the roads before they can drive a car will absolutely learn what road sense is. From 21-25 any car owned must be maximum 1.6 litres engine capacity and speed governed to 70mph. from 25 onwards normal laws as of today apply.

Motorway maximum speed will increase to 90mph in the outside lane only. A-road dual carriageways and major routes will be set to 80mph unless in built up areas. Roads where house are will be 20mph, unless dual carriageways.

Railways will be fully re-nationalised and run as a service and NOT for profit. A large investment program will build new railways, including monorails along major route central reservations, a high speed network between major towns and cities to compare with Europe as well as local tram and light railway schemes. Land will be compulsorily purchased at the market rate and help provided to those displaced.

Air travel will also change. Heathrow development plans will remain but there will be no further expansion beyond a 6^th Terminal and a 3rd runway. The Government will look at building new off-shore airports which utilise high speed and local rail links to connect to the mainland. Passenger tax will be related to the flight cost and type of aircraft. Tax benefits will be given to any car manufacturer who makes a car than runs on hydrogen fuel cells. Investment in canals will re-start and incentives given to private firms who use them and the railways to deliver and carry freight.

Food and drink: We expect to encourage the growth of local food markets as seen in France and incentives will be given to farmers who deliver these markets and produce. We will withdraw from the CAP and allow our farmers to produce as much or as little as they like and operate in our own market. All food will be labelled Red, Amber or green, including restaurant menus and take-aways. Other than that we will butt out of people’s lives when it comes to food. Alcohol in supermarkets and off-licenses will be taxed to bring it into line with pub prices and will only be sold to people over 21 and EVERYONE will have to show I.D. Anyone caught supplying alcohol to a minor except under parental/guardian supervision will be fined a minimum of £1500 on the spot. Licensing hours will remain unrestricted according to local conditions.

Drugs: We don’t see the need for any drastic changes to alcohol laws except for culpability in the supply to minors and the consumption by minors. Cannabis will remain de-criminalised. We will introduce laws which legalise all narcotics as the “war on drugs” is a waste of time and is proven not to be effective. Since the dawn of time people have used drugs to lose inhibitions or feed creativity. We will sell these drugs, to adults over the age of 21 only with I.D. They will be quality controlled and stamped by The Government and sold in licensed premises only. They will be taxed at source. Anyone using the drugs will be responsible for the consequences and no legal recourse for death or injury to users will be accepted. The usage of drugs will be restricted to licensed outlets only, excluding those that sell alcohol, and private dwellings.

Crime: Anyone caught possessing a knife, in a public place, that is not sealed in a box and with a receipt from a licensed outlet will go to prison for 1 year (minimum). This obviously excludes family picnics and barbecues and other common sense exclusions. If this happens again then the sentence will be 5 years. Anyone caught with a gun, real or decommissioned will go to prison for 5 years (minimum). Anyone caught a second time will get 10 years and any further offences the sentence will be Life. Meaning Life. There will be only one Life tariff and it will mean until the day the offender dies. Murder will be automatic life. Manslaughter tariffs remain untouched. Murders caused by proven mental instability will mean Life in a specialised hospital. Paedophiles guilty of physical abuse will have their sexual organs removed or rendered permanently useless by chemical treatment. Those guilty of viewing, making or distributing Child porn will receive a minimum of 10 years. Prisons will remain centres of rehabilitation but this will only be offered to those who show genuine remorse and capability to be educated. Sentences will never be commuted despite any prisoner achieving higher qualifications. We will build off-shore floating prisons similar to Oil Rigs for the high risk offenders. Visits will occur by video conference only. “Beat” police will return to the streets with powers to inter anyone over the age of 8 suspected of crime. Yes, we aim to scare the shit out of youngsters and make them fear the police and the law again! The maximum period inside will be a week before charges must be laid. 2 basic meals a day will be provided and no fresh clothes or washing capability will be supplied. Toilets will be of the slopping out variety. One phone call per stay will be permitted and one visit from a parent or guardian or in the case of an adult a relative will be allowed. We will re-instate the right of police to dish out physical restraint if necessary. We will reduce the prison loading by enforcing more Community Service so that offenders of lesser crimes (shoplifting, TV licence evasion etc) give something back. We will vastly expand the Community Service ethos.

Health: We believe each person has their own responsibility for this. It’s not for us to constantly nag about what you eat, drink or how much sun or exercise you get. Everyone knows by now what’s good and what’s bad, and schools will continue to teach this. But really, make your own mind up and accept the consequences. The NHS funding will remain as it is. Private healthcare will remain as it is. Freedom of choice to use what’s best for you will remain, but we would aim to ensure the differential between the NHS and the private sector is minimal. Which will mean a huge uplift in how the hospitals are run.

Europe: We will run on a back in basis. This will be as part of a reformed EU. Any area of the UK that is to lose funding due to Brexit will simply have to make its case again as despite all the warnings, Brexit won and there will not be enough money to honour all funding. No EU laws with regard to human rights, employment rights or environmental regulation will be repealed unless it is so obviously wrong. Criminal Law will be different and we will look to ensure 

Security: Everyone will have an ID card and that’s the end of it. If you do nothing wrong then you won’t have a problem. Despite being part of Europe, we are an island and as such border controls will be in place. U.S Visitors will find they have to undergo just as stringent security processes as we have to in order to visit them. A Border Police Force will exist. Any searches by them will be re-instated as they found them. Terrorists, if found guilty will go to prison for life, unless their return to their country of origin means death in which case that’s where they’ll go. Terrorists caught before or after an act of terrorism will be fast-tracked to a special court. Sentences will be heavy and no guilty terrorists will be in the company of any others. If necessary we will build special prisons to ensure solitary confinement with no contact other than to prison staff is permitted. All letters will be censored as appropriate and no journalists from any media will be granted access without special licence from the PM. 

The United Kingdom: Well, it’ll be a Republic so not a “Kingdom” as such anymore. We quite like UGB (United Great Britain), but maybe we’ll stick with Kingdom as a reminder of our past, until such time as we are no longer united….

Devolution: Referendums will be held once we restore PR Democracy and if it is the will of Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales to be independent then we will instigate a process to allow their detachment from us and their acceptance into Europe as separate entities. Cornwall is part of England and will stay that way. Live with it.

Freedom of Speech: There will be no blasphemy laws. If you’ve that much Faith then use it to rise above the people who challenge your religion. Don’t even think about protesting and issuing threats. That’ll just land you in prison. Hate crime legislation will remain in place but any cases will be reviewed by a specialist unit before court hearings commence. Education or community service will be used if the offences were unwitting or just committed via ignorance. 

Banking and business: The Post office will become the People’s Bank, run as a service and not for profit, although any profit made will be re-invested just as nationalised entities should be run. . It will retain a monopoly on delivering letters by people, although private couriers for business post will continue. No Post offices will shut and in fact we will look to re-instate them where they have been closed previously. Any private banks that fail, such as Northern Rock, will have to operate like any other private business. We will look to free small businesses from unnecessary bureaucracy. We will enforce new legislation on 'casino' banking to ensure that no repeat of 2008 can happen. 

Education: Teachers will get a minimum 5% pay rise per year. School funding will increase. Distance learning will be encouraged (lessons on the web) and truancy will be punished both for the pupil and the parent/guardian. The balance of public/private will remain. University fees will be abolished and the grant system re-instated. The Open University will receive higher funding. The school leaving age will remain at 18, unless college education is in place. We aim to recruit more teachers and train them and will look to ways of encouraging those without degrees but track records of success in business to consider moving into teaching.  We will also look to reduce class sizes to 25 maximum by building new schools or expanding existing ones. The sale of school fields for housing will stop immediately. Schools will be expected to open during school holidays and we will look to set up a fully vetted agency to run and staff these, with teachers included on a voluntary basis. We will review the school holiday periods and apply pressure to the holiday companies on school holiday prices. Each pupil will get 2 weeks approved extra-term leave per school year dependent on higher than 95% attendance. 
Defence: NATO and UN membership are untouchable. However we will review the forces and move away from the 'lean' ethos that appears to us to be a cover for less spending. We think our armed forces need expansion including the equipment they use. We will seriously consider a National Service period for those under 25 including those who have undertaken further education on the proviso that they will not be called into active service in a declared war zone UNLESS they and their parents/guardians give full consent for such. Women and LBGT people will be treated equally in every aspect including where authorised, front line battle duties. 
Police and Secret Services: We will review the police services across the UK and ensure they all become diverse employers including ethnic minorities, LBGT and people of age. We are fundamentally anti-firearms but appreciate the dangers facing current officers and therefore we will increase the presence of armed police on the streets with a gendarmerie approach with a police wing from the military as seen in France and other countries. 

Any existing firearms officers will be give the option to become part of this new layer of policing. We expect all these new armed officers to be highly visible at ports, airports and areas where large gatherings of people will be from protests to football matches where their remit will the SAFETY of the people attending. We will actively recruit these gendarmes from the pool of ex-forces personnel giving them a career option when service is over. The armed gendarmerie will operate across the UK meaning each police force will comprise unarmed and armed officers working side by side. We will expand the remit of MI5 and MI6 to further incorporate anti-terrorist surveillance with the current anti-terrorist groups. No member of the Police Force of Gendarmes unit will be allowed to belong to any far right or far left organisations. They will all have their emails and text and social media interactions monitored.

More to follow, as and when I can be arsed. 

Later Mugs, GJ

GoGB Terms and Conditions....

If you have done any of these things, empathise with any of them, have been the victim of any of them then you qualify for the GoGB (Guild of Grumpy Blokes). Suggestions are most welcome for additions.

1.) Qualification for membership is automatic after you reach 40
2.) In some extenuating circumstances then entry may be allowed at an earlier age (see below).
3.) You think Technology sounds great, but are constantly disappointed and made angry by it
4.) You love gadgets but have to hide them, or buy them and smuggle them into use
5.) You hate Technology and know it's all crap
6.) You hate gadgets and gladly bumble on through life without being assaulted by information on every front.
7.) You like being un-contactable
8.) You have to lie about buying new golf clubs, or any associated sporting or hobby equipment
9.) You believe there is a Ministry of Crap Design
10.) Today's music completely confuses you because there is no tune and you can't hear the words.
11.) You think the X-Factor is poisoning music and Britain's Got Talent is an oxymoron. The Voice can fuck off as well.
12.) You accept the contradiction that some Girl bands are justifiable because they do look hot
13.) Political correctness is a scourge on society in your view and yet paradoxically necessary to stop the hate warriors and the moronic. 
14.) You will always attempt to carry the shopping in from the car ALL in one go! 
15.) You pretend to be re-constructed New Man. Or you don't. 
16.) You pretend not to look at other women. Or men if you're gay.
17.) You have gone into the back of a car whilst admiring a woman (or man...diversity) on a hot day (instant entry for this) and then lied to your partner about how it happened
18.) You drink beer.Proper beer. Not Britfizz shite lager. Actually, just drink beer no matter how shite.
19.) You hate the trend towards reality TV and abhor the constant pursuit of interactivity.
20.) You know, work for, or have worked for a David Brent (or are him)
21.) You think today's footballers are lightweights compared to the old days
22.) You are a letch, without a doubt, and are happy to admit this
23.) You are a letch, without a doubt, but dare not admit this
24.) You glorify in finishing your dinner first, because it means you've won and yes, it is a race and it is big and it is clever
25.) You put things in safe places, so safe they can't be found again
26.) You are the best air guitarist in the world
27.) You know that no matter what women say, size does matter!
28.) You know that English sport will always be bollocks and that we're not world beaters. At football anyway.
29.) You like a good sulk, in fact you are Olympic standard at sulking
30.) Radio 2, 6Music, Planet Rock, LBC, Talksport, Smooth FM or any retro music radio stations or Radio 5Live are now the stations of choice. Radio 1 is way way out of reach.....
31.) You'd sleep with Kylie Minogue but wouldn't buy her album.
32.) You want to do Glastonbury but don't want to be laughed at or get muddy.
33.) You have farted, it's been well good, and then the prettiest woman in the office has walked over to you, she knows it's you, you know its you, she pretends not to smell it, you pretend not to have dealt it. Yes, if that's happened , you're in.
34.) You would love a new Punk Rock to come in and destroy the current bollocks in the charts
35.) You won't admit to it, but trains, boats and planes fascinate you.
36.) Male Genital piercing....wankers only?..Yep you're in.....
37.) You know the England football team will never win a major trophy in your life
38.) You can remember when we only had 3 TV channels
39.) You like having 120 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.
40.) You know there's always something to watch on Cable or Satellite TV
41.) Barmaids look the same age as your daughter...oh dear. Coppers and doctors look like they could be your grandchildren! 
42.) Recovery time for a hangover now averages between 24 and 36 hours after the event
43.) You start to enjoy gardening and...oh my fucking God...DIY.....
44.) You walk into a room and can't remember why you went in there....
45.) The number of clicking noises from your joints when you get out of bed increases by at least one every week
46.) 50% of your mail comes from Saga.
47.) Most of the rest comes from Pfizer or their competitors.
48.) Clothes are bought for comfort not looks....
49.) You have time to read the paper when .....*cough*....laying some cable!
50.) You can never find your car keys. Lifetime membership is awarded for finding them deposited in the fridge or oven after an unremembered senior moment.
51.) If you ride a bike and put your own visibility as the top priority.
52.) Funfairs seem like no-go zones to your age group.
53.) You now buy multiple items of stuff that is good, that you like and actually serves its purpose. 
54.) Whenever you go to a social function the first topic of discussion with other blokes is what route you took to get there.
55.) The days when you went a whole night sleeping without a piss-break are long gone.
56.) Other people's laughter pisses you off or irritates you? You're in.
57.) Fiona Bruce..yes. Susannah Reid...yes.....virtually any female newsreader...yes. You're in.
58.) Your kids get in later than you on holiday? You're in.
59.) TV sex scenes embarrass you
60.) Your daily pill intake is greater than 5 per day
61.) You actually start to hate the drive to and from work
62.) You actually hate the 6am start for work because sleep is a luxury these days
63.) You actually hate work and want to retire so your day is what you make it
64.) You actually need an afternoon or evening nap
65.) You couldn't give a fuck what others think about you

more to follow.....

Later  Mugs, GJ