GoGB Terms and Conditions....
If you have done any of these things, empathise with any of them, have been the victim of any of them then you qualify for the GoGB (Guild of Grumpy Blokes). Suggestions are most welcome for additions.
1.) Qualification for membership is automatic after you reach 40
2.) In some extenuating circumstances then entry may be allowed at an earlier age (see below).
3.) You think Technology sounds great, but are constantly disappointed and made angry by it
4.) You love gadgets but have to hide them, or buy them and smuggle them into use
5.) You hate Technology and know it's all crap
6.) You hate gadgets and gladly bumble on through life without being assaulted by information on every front.
7.) You like being un-contactable
8.) You have to lie about buying new golf clubs, or any associated sporting or hobby equipment
9.) You believe there is a Ministry of Crap Design
10.) Today's music completely confuses you because there is no tune and you can't hear the words.
11.) You think the X-Factor is poisoning music and Britain's Got Talent is an oxymoron. The Voice can fuck off as well.
12.) You accept the contradiction that some Girl bands are justifiable because they do look hot
13.) Political correctness is a scourge on society in your view and yet paradoxically necessary to stop the hate warriors and the moronic.
14.) You will always attempt to carry the shopping in from the car ALL in one go!
15.) You pretend to be re-constructed New Man. Or you don't.
16.) You pretend not to look at other women. Or men if you're gay.
17.) You have gone into the back of a car whilst admiring a woman (or man...diversity) on a hot day (instant entry for this) and then lied to your partner about how it happened
18.) You drink beer.Proper beer. Not Britfizz shite lager. Actually, just drink beer no matter how shite.
19.) You hate the trend towards reality TV and abhor the constant pursuit of interactivity.
20.) You know, work for, or have worked for a David Brent (or are him)
21.) You think today's footballers are lightweights compared to the old days
22.) You are a letch, without a doubt, and are happy to admit this
23.) You are a letch, without a doubt, but dare not admit this
24.) You glorify in finishing your dinner first, because it means you've won and yes, it is a race and it is big and it is clever
25.) You put things in safe places, so safe they can't be found again
26.) You are the best air guitarist in the world
27.) You know that no matter what women say, size does matter!
28.) You know that English sport will always be bollocks and that we're not world beaters. At football anyway.
29.) You like a good sulk, in fact you are Olympic standard at sulking
30.) Radio 2, 6Music, Planet Rock, LBC, Talksport, Smooth FM or any retro music radio stations or Radio 5Live are now the stations of choice. Radio 1 is way way out of reach.....
31.) You'd sleep with Kylie Minogue but wouldn't buy her album.
32.) You want to do Glastonbury but don't want to be laughed at or get muddy.
33.) You have farted, it's been well good, and then the prettiest woman in the office has walked over to you, she knows it's you, you know its you, she pretends not to smell it, you pretend not to have dealt it. Yes, if that's happened , you're in.
34.) You would love a new Punk Rock to come in and destroy the current bollocks in the charts
35.) You won't admit to it, but trains, boats and planes fascinate you.
36.) Male Genital piercing....wankers only?..Yep you're in.....
37.) You know the England football team will never win a major trophy in your life
38.) You can remember when we only had 3 TV channels
39.) You like having 120 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.
40.) You know there's always something to watch on Cable or Satellite TV
41.) Barmaids look the same age as your daughter...oh dear. Coppers and doctors look like they could be your grandchildren!
42.) Recovery time for a hangover now averages between 24 and 36 hours after the event
43.) You start to enjoy gardening and...oh my fucking God...DIY.....
44.) You walk into a room and can't remember why you went in there....
45.) The number of clicking noises from your joints when you get out of bed increases by at least one every week
46.) 50% of your mail comes from Saga.
47.) Most of the rest comes from Pfizer or their competitors.
48.) Clothes are bought for comfort not looks....
49.) You have time to read the paper when .....*cough*....laying some cable!
50.) You can never find your car keys. Lifetime membership is awarded for finding them deposited in the fridge or oven after an unremembered senior moment.
51.) If you ride a bike and put your own visibility as the top priority.
52.) Funfairs seem like no-go zones to your age group.
53.) You now buy multiple items of stuff that is good, that you like and actually serves its purpose.
54.) Whenever you go to a social function the first topic of discussion with other blokes is what route you took to get there.
55.) The days when you went a whole night sleeping without a piss-break are long gone.
56.) Other people's laughter pisses you off or irritates you? You're in.
57.) Fiona Bruce..yes. Susannah Reid...yes.....virtually any female newsreader...yes. You're in.
58.) Your kids get in later than you on holiday? You're in.
59.) TV sex scenes embarrass you
60.) Your daily pill intake is greater than 5 per day
61.) You actually start to hate the drive to and from work
62.) You actually hate the 6am start for work because sleep is a luxury these days
63.) You actually hate work and want to retire so your day is what you make it
64.) You actually need an afternoon or evening nap
65.) You couldn't give a fuck what others think about you
more to follow.....
Later Mugs, GJ
